"If it rains..."

God, I was so nervous.

I liked this girl, so, so much.

I'd just driven four and a half hours to be with her.
On her campus, she showed me her costume shop and introduced me to people that I would never see again. She drove us to the grocery store to pick up dinner supplies. Which was fine with me. It gave me time to look at her, while she drove, doing my best to record the moment in my memory, forever. She kept offering me things, "Would you like this for dinner?" or "What would you like to drink?" and I was absolutely useless to her. I was trying not to blurt out "I LIKE YOU" over and over again at everything she said.

I followed her back to her house. It was summer and the weather was warm. I had the windows rolled down and the sunroof open. We drove through a light sprinkle of rain, but not hard enough to make me seal the car back up. I listened to the CD I burned for her, with every romantic song I really liked. I remember the white flashes of moths fluttering in front of my car's headlights as "Dancing in the Moonlight" played over my stereo. I let my arm hang out the open window of my car, sailing the flat palm of my hand on the summer breeze. I remember the gentle sway of the curvy road that lead to her house.

We didn't talk much.
But we smiled often.

She finished preparing dinner and I sipped wine and made small talk. Conversation being my contribution to this meal.

We carried our dinner plates out to her deck and had dinner out in the nighttime. She had candles and citronella wicks burning, 8 to 10 feet away from us. And while I could see the bugs attacking them, they avoided us entirely. She was a very smart girl.

I was so nervous that I barely ate, nibbling on the Fettucini, and making funny, small comments. She would smile at me, as if to say, "I can't believe you just said that!" A very charming smile.

I helped her clear the dinner plates and refilled our wine glasses. In her small kitchen, we orbited around each other. Flirting with distance and closeness. Arms brushed arms. Backs passed fronts. Her hair casually brushed past my face.

She grabbed a blanket from the other room and took my hand and lead me out into the backyard. As I was whisked away, I grabbed the wine bottle and our glasses. She looked back at me and smiled, as she lead me away and out into the field behind her house.

A great big, open Kentucky field. Distant houses were tucked just inside the treelines. A few windows glowed with the life within them. Otherwise, no sign of another living human being. A few fireflies made their tentative explorations of the field, flashing brightly to attract unknown mates.

We stretched out on the blanket, the wine between us. We looked out at the field and up at the sky. Overhead, the grey clouds made a solemn march across the sky. Great waves of fat rain clouds rolled over head. They literally looked like waves to me.

She looked at me and smiled that killer smile at me again. I can't remember what I did or said. I hope it was something charming. I wanted to be able to see that smile every day for the rest of my adult life.

I knew that I probably should kiss her. Right then and there. If I kissed her, then we could spend the rest of the weekend kissing each other. Rolling and tumbling in bed and on the floor, across her clean, white sheets. What a wonderful way to spend the rest of the weekend. If I didn't kiss her, would I regret it the whole car ride home?

But I didn't know how she felt. In hindsight, every indication was there. This was a girl, ready for a good kissing. But at the time, I was riddled with doubt and I didn't want to be an ungrateful guest. Can you imagine anything more awkward than spending a weekend with someone who clearly liked you more than you liked them?

So, I gave up my control over the situation and said to myself, "If it rains on us, as it might do at any second, I will kiss this girl." I couldn't think of anything more random than the rain. So, I let the rain decide what was going to happen between us.

And by sheer stupid bad luck, the clouds blew over and left completely.

As if they KNEW that I was counting on them and split, just to spite me.

I lay there, cursing the now open sky and the fields of bright, steady stars. As lovely as they were, they meant that I wasn't going to get to be with this girl.

"Fuck it" I said and I kissed her, anyways. And she kissed me back. And I tell you, it was as grand as I'd hoped it was going to be. She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close and I stayed there for some time. We didn't explore anything else. We just kissed each other with everything that we had. It was wonderful.

Later, the bugs attacked us and we fled into the house and we kissed in the kitchen and then in her room, where I later fell asleep next to her. Before we drifted off, she put in the CD of romantic music that I made her and we kissed through that, too. It was quite possibly the Holy Grail of MakeOut CDs. Never to be repeated again, I'm afraid.

Exhausted from the youthful charging of our batteries and hormones, we laid there and talked before we fell asleep. She had her arms around me and her head on my chest. I slowly stroked her hair and lived as hard as I possibly could, willing the moment to go on indefinitely.

"You know," I said, "I almost didn't kiss you out there."

"I'm glad you did," she said.

"I was nervous. I really like you. I didn't want to screw this up," I said, "I threw it up to some higher power and decided that if it rained, I would kiss you."

"But it didn't rain," she said. She leaned up to look me in the face in the dim, blue light of her bedroom.

"I know. I cheated."

And she laughed at that. So did I.

The next morning, she woke me up by kissing me softly on the lips. Her bare chest pressed against mine. I gently pulled her to me and we softly kissed each other. Exploring how delicate we could be with each other.

"That was very nice. A good way to begin the day." I said.

"Well, I woke up and it was lightly raining outside, so I figured that meant that I probably should kiss you. So, I did." Her eyes were smart and playful. Her hair stood charmingly askew on her head. I smiled up at her and ran my fingers through her hair.

"Are you going to do that every time it rains?" I asked.

"I think I might." and she skipped out of the bedroom to brush her teeth and make breakfast for us.

That was in the summer of 2002. My 3 day weekend with her.

I think about this girl whenever it rains.
I think to myself that the coming rain is a sure sign that I should go find this girl and kiss her.
I wonder if she thinks of the same thing when she finds herself out in the rain? That somewhere out there is a man that she's supposed to be kissing, every time it rains.
As if the decision isn't up to us. As if there is a higher power pushing us towards each other, confirming the gentle rightness of our being together.

I wonder...